I Don't Even Know How to Title This One

Anna came crying to her father this morning, whining and screaming in an incredibly high-pitched tone that was entirely indecipherable to the human ear.

"Anna," her father patiently answered,"Please use a big-girl voice. You do not need to whine like that. I can't understand you. Now, can you tell me what you wanted to tell me in a big-girl voice?"

Anna took a big breath and said "Joshua took away my pretend ball!"

There was a moment of silence while my husband tried to find the appropriate response to this declaration.

"Well, Anna," he finally said, "Can't you get another pretend ball?"

"BUT DADDY! THERE ARE NO MORE PRETEND BALLS!"

My everlastingly patient husband paused another moment and said "Anna, I don't even know how to respond to that."

But that was ok, because by this time Anna had moved on to the next thing.

The day-to-day absurdity of our lives never ceases to amaze me.

Mustn't Disturb Baby Sara!

A nightly ritual at our house is the Cleaning of The Living Room. This activity, aimed at cleaning the messes of the day, is often combined with another family ritual - The Fight to Get Anna to Clean Up. She hates cleaning up, and she will fight us with everything she can come up with to get out of it - including her wild imagination.

Tonight her father was directing clean-up time while I made dinner. He asked Anna to pick up a particular toy and take it to her room. She immediately protested: "I CAN'T!"

"Oh really?" my husband replied. "And why is that?"

"Because Baby Sara will be MAD at me!"

Now lest you think that we have added yet another tiny member of the family while you weren't looking, I should explain at this point that Baby Sara is Anna's favorite, most special baby doll.

"Really? And why will Baby Sara be mad?" my husband queried.

"Because she's asleep and I might WAKE HER UP!!"

Well, we wouldn't want to wake up Baby Sara, now would we? After all, it is a hard and fast rule in our house: NEVER WAKE A SLEEPING BABY.

In this case, however, an exception would have to be made.

"Why don't you just go in very quietly," my husband told Anna, trying not to laugh.

"Ok Daddy," Anna whispered, and tiptoed off to her room to put away the toy.

Sean has since wondered if we might use Baby Sara's emotions to our benefit in the future. I pointed out that really only Anna knows how she feels about things, so that plan might backfire. We'll have to see. In the meantime -shhh! We mustn't wake Baby Sara!

Things Overheard in My House, Part 4

"Joshua, don't bother me, I'm trying to go POTTY!" - Anna, age 3

"We have to go to Mema and Grandpa's house or our TEETH WILL FALL OUT!" - Anna

"I'm not Joshua, I'm SUPER-JOSHUA!" - Joshua, age 5

"It's time to get your 'life is but a dream' costume on!" - Anna

"I AM NOT A CHICKEN NUGGET!" - Mommy, protesting the new game of "I'm gonna eat you," which involved everyone pretending to eat Mommy's leg

"I have jammies on! I'm JAMMY-MAN!" - Joshua

"Joshua, don't psych me out!" - Anna (Where the heck did she get THAT? From her 1990s time machine?)

"I'm cold! I'm COLD-MAN!" - Joshua

"Here Daddy. You can sleep with Rocko. He'll make you feel better." - Anna to her Daddy when Daddy was sick

"Here's a blanket - I'm REST-MAN!" - (Guess who)

"Is Jesus coming back today?" "I don't know for sure, but probably not." "AWWW! I want to see Him! I LOVE HIM!" - Perhaps my favorite conversation with Anna EVER.

"Joshua, why are you arguing with me?" "I'm not arguing, I'M RIGHT!" - Mommy and Joshua (and my parents can stop laughing now)

"Razors make me poop." - Anna (she got razors and raisins mixed up)

"I have jammies on my shoulder! I'm SHOULDER-MAN!"

"Rocks are things you leave on the ground. Rockos are treasures you pick up for your treasure box." - Anna explaining the difference between Rockos and plain rocks to her little buddy

"Get off the spaceship! WE NEED MORE BLANKETS!" - Joshua

"...and pray that we don't lose our keys..." - Anna during prayer time (always a good one for our family)

"Jesus is going to fall out of the sky!" "No, Anna, He's not going to fall, it's not like He's going to have an accident." "Jesus is going to PEE HIS PANTS?!" - Conversation trying to explain Jesus coming back to Anna

"There was a TOMATO while we were driving!" - Joshua (1. It's "tornado," not "tomato" and 2. It was just a thunderstorm.)

"Anna, why are you naked and covered in stickers?" - On my list of "things I never imagined myself saying."

"I'm RIGHT-MAN!"

Mommy: "Do you guys know what a tornado is?"
Anna: "Yes! It's food."
Mommy: "No, Anna, that's tomato."

"Why are you a sandwich?" - Anna singing a random song

Joshua: "I'M STRONG!"
Anna: "And I'm THREE!"

"Anna, who is cuter than you?" "HOBBES!" - Conversation between Daddy and Anna. He was asking rhetorically. And Hobbes...is my parents' cat.

"Knock Knock! "Who's there?" "ANNA!" "Anna who?" "Umm...Anna I swim in the ocean GLUB GLUB GLUB!"

"MOMMY!! Anna kicked over my tower!"
"Anna, Joshua works really hard on his towers, please don't knock them down."
"But MOM! I'm using my SUPER SIDE-KICK!"

And finally, my husband's favorite entry:

"Knock knock!" "Who's there?" " Daddy!" "Daddy who?" "DADDY I LOVE YOU!!!" (Anna)

I Hate It When That Happens

I was taking a shower this past weekend, and as I was finishing up, Anna - who has never had much of a modesty issue - came bursting into the bathroom.

"Umm, Anna? " I asked, throwing a towel on, "what do you need?"

"I have to give you some vanilla chocolate ice cream! HERE!" She thrust her little finger in my face which, apparently, held some ice cream.

Anxious to get the bathroom back to myself, I "ate" the "ice cream" that was in her hand, said thank you, and she ran back out of the room.

Two minutes later I was in my room trying to get dressed, when here came Anna again.

"MOM!" she yelled urgently as she tried to open the door.

"Anna, I'm getting dressed, can you wait?"

"BUT I HAVE TO GIVE YOU ICE CREAM!"

"Let me get dressed, sweetie, and then you can give it to me."

"OK MOM!" she responded, and I heard little footsteps patter off.

30 second later, this is what I hear:

"I'M SORRY MOM! I ATE ALL THE ICE CREAM!"

Trying not to laugh too hard, I assured her that it was just fine, I would be all right without my "ice cream."

But seriously...don't you just hate it when you just can't stand it any longer and eat all your imaginary ice cream?

Things Overheard at My House, Part 3

"ANNA! TAKE YOUR DINOSAUR OUT OF YOUR MILK!"

Anna: "Joshua's hands are sticky, so can we have another snack?"

Conversation between Mommy and Joshua, about a week after his 5th birthday:
"I'M ALMOST SIX NOW!"
"Joshua, you are not almost six."
"Yes I am! Six comes after five, remember? One two three four five SIX! I'm almost SIX!"

Anna, bargaining for candy during lunchtime: "Can I have candy now? I touched my strawberries!"

Anna and Daddy:
"Daddy, you say 'I love you,' and I'll say I love you too."
"I love you."
"I LOVE YOU TOO!!"

Another conversation between Mommy and Joshua, about a week after his 5th birthday:
"I want Bumblebee for my next birthday."
"Joshua, I don't want to hear about what you want for your next birthday, it's a long ways away."
"But I'm almost SIX! Then seven, then eight, then nine, then ten, then eleven, then twelve...I'm going to be THIRTEEN!!!"

"Anna, I think Buzz Lightyear wants you to eat your lunch."
"No, Buzz wants me to play with HIM."

Anna: "Mom, Matthew's stinky!"
Mommy: "You're right, do you want to change him?
Anna: "No, I'm not the Mom."

Joshua to his sister: "EWWWW!!! STOP LICKING THE COUCH!"

"Anna, don't dip Barbie in your shake."

Anna after a trip to the bathroom: "LOOK MOM! A whole FAMILY of stinkies!"

Joshua: "I'm five now, but I still can't reach the ceiling."

Anna, riding in the van: "Oh NO! We're trapped by a traveling goose!"

Daddy: "Do you realize that in five years, Joshua will turn 10?"
Mommy: "Yes, and Anna will turn eight."
Anna: "I'm not gonna turn eight! I'm gonna turn PURPLE!

And finally, overheard while Daddy was trying to weave spiritual lessons into the nightly story...

"Joshua, Anna and Matthew were walking through the forest, but they weren't alone, because, guys, who is always with you?"
Joshua: "CHIPMUNKS!!!"

Anna's Reality, Take 2

There are a few parental issues that each family has to decide for themselves. One of these is the issue of shooting and playing guns. Do you ban it altogether? Let them shoot whatever and whoever they want? Buy them guns? Not buy them guns?

In our house, we have gone with a compromise. We don't actively buy them weaponry, but we realize that the reality is they are going to pretend to shoot bad guys with whatever they find anyway (case in point later in this story), so we laid down this ground rule: no shooting real people. You can pretend to shoot only imaginary bad guys. No pointing anything pretending to be a gun at any real live person, only pretend bad guys.

Tonight we went out to dinner, and in the midst of my turkey sandwich, I heard Anna go: "Yeah, Daddy, I shot you!" I looked down to see that her potato chip was in the shape of a gun. (See, they do it anyway!) I said, "Anna, were you pointing that at Daddy?"

"Yes," she said, nodding her head vigorously. (I'll give Anna this, she almost always tells the truth about her escapades.)

"Anna," I said sternly, "We don't shoot real people. We only shoot pretend bad guys. Daddy isn't pretend, and he isn't a bad guy." (Sean was nodding along and echoing the sentiment.)

"But Daddy!" Anna exclaimed, "I'm PRETENDING you're a BAD GUY!"

In terms of semantics, let's face it - she had us there.

And we have now amended the rule to invisible pretend bad guys.

Anna's Reality

Our kids like to take books and toys to bed with them at night. That's fine, we have no problem with that. Whatever keeps them in their beds. However, we do have one rule: no library books. We have approximately 1,582 books in our house. They don't have to take the library books to bed with them. I don't have a problem with them reading the books in bed; the problem comes after they fall asleep but before we wake them up to use the bathroom around midnight. If one of them wets the bed or overflows the nighttime pull-up - both scenarios being real possibilities - then we have to buy the library YET ANOTHER replacement book, and at the rate that we have to do that, I am sure our name is on a list somewhere at our local library. So, for the sake of the checking account and our library's good graces, the rule is no library books in bed.

Tonight, as Sean was putting the kids to bed, Anna wanted to take a book called Three Little Bears Play All Day to bed with her. This has been one of the favorite books for the kids lately; however, it is a library book, so Sean explained once again that she couldn't take it to bed with her. A little while later, the kids called for him to come to their room, and upon his arrival they informed him that the "Bear book" had fallen behind Anna's bed.

My husband is a pretty smart guy, so he put two and two together and realized that if the book was behind Anna's bed, this must mean that at some point it had been in Anna's bed. Putting on his best stern Daddy face and voice, he said, "Now Anna, why was this book in your bed to begin with? You know we are not supposed to have library books in bed."

Her response:

"I don't want to call it a library book anymore."

Oh to live in Anna's world.